The Shape of Me

Frankly, I prefer to stay in the background....

I’m not someone who enjoys talking about myself.

Frankly, I prefer to stay in the background, comfortable, controlled.

But if I’m asking others to show up honestly in “Thousands of Us”, then I need to do the same.

There’s a version of me people think they know. Strong. Capable. Sorted.

People see strength in caregivers. Resilience, grit, the one who keeps going, no matter what. What they don’t always see is the small daily acts of courage that don’t look heroic from the outside.

But strength has an underside, quiet, private and unseen.

So here I am, simply opening the door a fraction. Not oversharing, but choosing to share just enough.

Just speaking the quiet part out loud.

Strong. A word I hear often in reference to myself. Sometimes it’s tied to something I’ve accomplished, but more often, it’s used to capture the essence of me. Strong, they say, as though that covers all bases.

Truthfully I’m exhausted by strength. Support would be nice. And rest.

The dictionary defines strength as being confident, determined, and not easily influenced or worried by others. I used to care what people thought, but I’ve discovered that age brings wisdom. The truth is, none of us really know what we’re doing.

Warrior. A friend sent me a card. It said, “To my favourite mama warrior, I always benefit from your awesomeness”. It made me smile.. and think. It gave me a glimpse into how others see me. Though I’m somewhat bemused, I’ll gladly step into the archetype, bow and arrow in hand.

Resilient. Tenacious. I weather life’s storms, rise to the challenges thrown my way. Not easily, never easily. But I do rise.

Formidable. A Fierce Advocate. Especially if you’re on the wrong side of right. Otherwise, I’m just a teddy bear. Honest.

Alone. I was an only child, a voracious reader who escaped into the magical world of fiction. My local library was situated in a grand Manor with oak paneling, and a brass-bell desk where books were date stamped. It was my second home and I loved it dearly. My overprotective mother, wary of playdates, somehow thought spending Saturday afternoons alone in the company of strangers, mostly adults, was safer.

Now years later when I’m alone, I still retreat into that quiet, introverted child. I learned to rely on myself, a lesson that’s served me well.

Loving. Loyal. I often tell my daughter, “Nobody’s coming to save you.” It drives her crazy. I sometimes worry that I’m raising her to be an island.

Independence is valuable, but knowing when to ask for help is an even greater skill.

On occasion, I feel like my own life is an island, beautiful with white sands surrounded by an azure ocean. It’s peaceful, a paradise for a while. But then the storms roll in, you need shelter, you need to find food. The choice is simple, survive, or thrive.

I’ve learned to do both.

Funny. My humour is dark, sharp. It always has been, but it’s grown into something deeper, a tool for survival. When your everyday life hovers on the edge of normal, humour becomes a refuge, and thank god for that.

Peeves. Lukewarm… anything. Hate it. A response, a commitment, an attitude, a cup of tea, a man. It’s a hard no.

Passions. Design…everything. Chief amongst my loves: Interior, Fashion, Architecture, Graphic, Textile.

I’m awed, inspired, and grateful for the beauty of creative talent and forever seeking beautiful ideas to bring more soul into my life. It’s a resounding yes.

Private. Which this article likely proves. I’ve been told I have a way of speaking about myself while revealing very little. I say it depends on the listener, it’s all there if you’re paying attention.

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So there you have it.

I won’t pretend this wasn’t uncomfortable, but I believe there’s power in being known, even just a little.

Since launching this newsletter, I’ve re-acquainted myself with the mandate that you don’t have to have a detailed year long manifesto of what you want to achieve before you start. I know this, I know this, but need to be reminded often… 😜

Just enjoy the process, day by day, step by step, at a pace that is you. I can get on board with that.

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If something here resonated, stirred anything… a thought, a memory, a feeling or just made you feel less alone, I’d love to hear from you.

Your story matters here.

We don’t have to shout to be heard, but, we grow stronger when we stop pretending we’re the only one.

Because in the end, thousands of us are doing this, quietly, bravely, together.

Tofus forever ❣️

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